the Skinny Jeans Scourge

I once tried to explain my hatred for skinny jeans and ended up fracturing my finger, I pounded the tabletop that hard.  So when my friend asked me to write this article, my immediate response was: are you sure? To which she responded ‘type it up in a word document and send it to me.’

Now, this all sounded great when I was drunk but having sobered up considerably (or at least well enough to the point where I could type legibly), I began to ask myself some pretty fundamental questions about the Skinny Jean Conundrum such as: ‘where do they come from’ and ‘why are they popular’? Needless to say, I found myself woefully ignorant. 

           

So I began my search with Wikipedia.  Now, if its annals can be believed, skinny jeans really didn’t hit their stride until the 1950s-60s when popular icons such as Marilyn Monroe, Bob Dylan, Audrey Hepburn, and Elvis Presley began wearing them. Skinny jeans then seemed like the cool rebellious thing to wear, but I contest right here, right now, that Marilyn Monroe never looked good in them. Elvis and Hepburn however, were actually skinny enough and tall enough (in the leg) to get away in them.

But that’s just it: tall and skinny. 

Now if you’ve got a pert ass with no thighs, or are just genuinely skinny—great! Wear tapered jeans to your hearts content.  However, marketing a fad for only a certain body type is just stupid. No really, it’s bad business.  Because when you take only one body shape and ignore the 11 others (yes there are 12 body types!), you’ve not only alienated a huge demographic but you’ve rejected them as well. With this kind of strategy, it’s like the fashion industry is telling me that I don’t matter. That my body shape is neither worthy of their time, effort, nor attention.  No wonder so many girls feel so fucking ugly.

Seriously, I am a pear shaped woman. I cannot wear skinny jeans! I’ve got saddlebags god damn it, and I look horrible in them. Add some ballet flats and you might as well call Grumpy and shove me in a diamond mine for the rest of my life.  At least there, nobody can see how dumpy my legs look.  Skinny jeans are a terrible fit for most pears, but I can only imagine what brick or apple bodied people are going through. Because the worst part is, every retail store is selling them. In bulk! I can’t fucking find a pair of flare legged denim’s anywhere anymore. Wide legs? Forget about it.  It’s like the economy is so shit, that companies want to save on the cost of fabric by buying less of it.  And what better way to do that then to make everything skinny?

I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m not a toothpick, and I refuse to dress like one.   So I’m going to leave you with some hilarious quotes I found about the trend. Enjoy!

·      “It’s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity problem and skinny jean fad.”--Anon

·      “For all the guys wearing ‘skinny jeans’…you took the phrase “getting into her pants” the wrong way.”--Anon

·      Jenko: What’s wrong with you? Run!

S  Schmidt: I can’t! I’m wearing tights!

    Jenko: I got skinny jeans on! It’s the same fucking thing! 

                                 --from 21 Jump Street (2012) 

·      “Guys who wear skinny jeans may as well put on a shirt that says, ‘Trust me girls…if I can fit in here you’re not interested’.”--Blake Shelton